NYE

waiting for midnight, to ring in the new year 2014 and i am hammered. i singlehandedly downed a bottle of champagne. and i have a major buzz an hour away from midnight.

2013 has been a good year. going back in the Phils made up most of the entire year. it was half a year of preparation and 3 weeks in the Phils. the odds were with us, as the biggest typhoon in the country happened while we were there.but other than that, it was good albeit not what i planned for. the typhoon just did a major curveball on that trip.

but 2013 is a good year mainly because i was back at work, and being back at work and taking over a new position, something that i know i am good at. when i went back to work in feb 4, 2013, i was told that the guy who replaced me will not go anywhere and i was aghast.. this japanese accountant knows more than what i know and he is taking over my job and not leaving. i dont even know what i was there for.i was struggling for a month or two till Mark left and i took over his job, then I was promoted to a 5-day work week and i felt good about it.

human was we are, i felt ripped. I am at work from 8-5 yet the other guy comes to work from 11-4 and we are paid the same. my boss doesnt care what i do and i have no way of validating what i do. it feels weird. i want to be productive yet i dont know how,

i dont care anymore but here's what i hope for 2014:

1. get driver's license
2. get back to school
3. get henley
4. get the kids to montessori school
5. get debt-less
6. get better health
7. get happpier marriage
8. get better paying job

Today is the first day of the year...

TODAY is the first day of the year. It's good that New Year serves as a symbolic time to start new beginnings. 

Today is the first day of the year and we didn't go anywhere. I had New Year's day planned in months.. I wanted to have brunch at Fort Garry Hotel just like what Kevin and I did last year. Then I changed my mind upon realising that it will take much $$$ to take a party of four ( including the in laws). So a Chinese buffet came to mind since that's considered a "feast" for white people. (insert all stereotyping jokes, LOL).

Today is the first day of the year but then the unavoidable happened, despite vaccines and flu shots, the LOs contacted their Dada's colds three days ago. On top of that, the weather is a mean bastard with unforgivable below freezing temperature. Even getting inside a freezer is warmer than going outside!

Today is the first day of the year, yet it wasn't my ideal way of welcoming the new year but it wasn't bad either. The LOs were kinda cranky and crabby, thanks to their colds but other than that they're their usual self. I've been hoping that they would start walking before I go back to work. Walking for me is just a BIG milestone that I want to be the first to witness it. Some kind of a reward for all the momma work that I did for the last year. But, nature doesn't hurry but it will make things done. Emma has been taking couple of steps and last New year's eve was the longest she took, 4 steps!! Happy Happy Momma. I gotta feeling that MILESTONE is just around the corner.. say two-week time frame.

Today is the first day of the year and I am committing myself to write more. WRITE DAILY. write everyday. This is for personal consumption. It is easier to look back when you can actually JUST BACK READ your life. Easier to point out some mistakes too. 

2013

I made a lot of feeble attempts to write everyday for this blog but as you can see, to no avail. My LOs have been sleeping through the night after three days of sleep training. Indeed, I can say, It was one of the best parenting decisions I made. 

I have a lot of things to write about. They are all under "drafts". Now that I gained my life back after 7pm, I still dont have the energy to squeeze whatever brain juices left from a day's momma work. Sophia and Emma are so active eager beaver now that they will not let you rest nor sit down. The fun part is here and so is the tiring part. Guess my body aged so much in a span of a 11 months that working playing with babies is such  a labour-intensive exercise already.

What better way to usher the year than to write about it. It's 30 past 12, we just rung in the new year here in central time zone. I rung in the new year in my pjs munching on dried out french fries and a litre of coke. I had crab cakes, calamaris and nachos but nothing sort of fancy like what is expected of a Media Noche in the Philippines. We would've gone to a new year's eve party but the kids are not alright and teething is the culprit. I feel so helpless whenever they cough/sniffles. I just hope this is just part of the teething phase and nothing serious.

I am excited and anxious for this year. After a year of staying at home, I will be back to work in a month's time. It's just a MAJOR adjustment, what with daycare, winter, babies. It's too much to take in so I am bracing myself. I can't help but be anxious, I worry for my babies. They will have a hard time too being hauled early morning in below freezing temperature and stay with other kids. I know I know. But this is our life now. There's no nanny or grandnanny who would do the babysitting duties. We have to make do with what we got and I am still lucky enough to have found a daycare just minutes away from our place. More than anything else, it's the weather that sucks. It's hard enough to wake up early in the morning let alone a chilly cold seeping through your bones. que sera sera. Just have the positive attitude that things will work out good.

In two weeks time, we will start our trial run at the daycare..... Which means, I have to get my ass off in the morning with the kids for two weeks till they get used to their new "environment". Two weeks. Maan. this is it. But having survived childbirth... this is nothing. HA!

2013 means going home too. We need to while the babies are still free. My passport will expire in January 2014 so I need to go home mid 2013 so I dont have to go to Ottawa just to have it renewed.

OTT-- I just dont get it Philippines. Manitoba has the highest number of Filipinos in the entire Canada. Heck, Tagalog is even the second spoken language here. Why can't we have our own consulate??? 

So 2013, let's turn around this anxiety into excitement. I dont do new year's resolutions anymore. I rephrased it to aims and goals.( which is technically the same thing hahaha).

1. to be less indulgent. underindulgence?
2. to be frugal. (see number 1)
3. to worry less, pray more.
4. to be a couponer. ( see number 2. lol)
5. to learn BAKING. 

We ran around town

I run around town, around round the round
With the pedal to the met, the pedal to whatever
I run around round, around round the town
With the pedal to the met, the pedal to whatever

We love bike rides. It used to be our favourite pastime. I just got a new bike when I learned that I was pregnant last year. For the first few months, we still went biking despite the bump. Then winter came.

Kevin and I agreed that just because we have kids, doesnt mean we have to stop doing the things we used to do. We just have to make some 'adjustments'. Let the kids be a part of our lives...the life as we know it. Our universe revolves around Emma and Sophia... but we are slowly incorporating them in our own "universe" too. For now, there's just little you can do.

Thankfully, last summer they were old enough for strolling and bike rides. My neighbour Liza gave me her 'advanced' christening present--- she gave me a double bike trailer-- something I've never thought of buying. It was the best gift we got last summer, it made our bike rides with kids possible.

We were so excited to test it out.So one fine day, we took the kids for a ride. Mr. sun, sun Mr golden sun  was shining down on us. Couldn't have been so perfect a time. The kids were surprisingly good throughout the entire ride. It was a success. Looking forward to more bike rides next summer .

How to Raise a Child

Be consistent

DON'T speak about  him to others (e.g. tell funny things) in his presence. ( don't make him self-conscious).

DON'T praise him for something I wouldn't always accept as good.

DON'T reprimand him harshly for something he's been allowed to do.

DAILY routine; eating, homework, bath. teeth. room, story, bed.

DON'T allow him to monopolize me when I am with other people.

Always speak well of his pop.

Do not discourage childish fantasies.

 Make him aware that there is a grown-up world that's none of his business.

Do not assume that what I don't like to do, he won't like either.

-SUSAN SONTAG-

Picasso Picasso

" Every CHILD is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up"

Don't worry about dolls

It's hard being a parent. You either make or break your child. So it's not surprising that most parents worry a lot about the future and what it holds for their kids. I came across this "fatherly advice" from the author of one of my favorite books, The Great Gatsby's F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's a letter he sent to his daughter. Poignant. 

Things to worry about:

Worry about courage
Worry about Cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship
Worry about…

Things not to worry about:

Don’t worry about popular opinion
Don’t worry about dolls
Don’t worry about the past
Don’t worry about the future
Don’t worry about growing up
Don’t worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don’t worry about triumph
Don’t worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don’t worry about mosquitoes
Don’t worry about flies
Don’t worry about insects in general
Don’t worry about parents
Don’t worry about boys
Don’t worry about disappointments
Don’t worry about pleasures
Don’t worry about satisfactions

Things to think about:

What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:

(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?

Cry me a river: sleep training

I cant believe I am saying this. I "Ferberize" my babies. If you would've asked me a month ago, I wouldve given you a lecture on Erik Erikson's trust vs mistrust issue. Yes, I took my psychology too seriously. I couldnt say it often enough, its against my biology to let them cry. But I am at my wits end. I need to teach them to sleep.

My pediatrician told me to let them cry on their 6 month's visit. But I didnt do it, its not something that we practice in our culture. We co-sleep and we don't let babies cry. But I am alone.  I have no help and my patience is wearing out. I spread myself too thin that literally it shows in my body weight. I haven't seen my clavicle since I was in high school!

I did my research. I am by the books in everything. I have no parents nor friends who are here physically with me who can lend me a manual. And as it turned out, there's no conclusive evidence that CRY IT OUT( CIO) has any adverse effect on babies. Although, attachment parenting proponents advocate anti-CIO, their thesis on this issue has something to do with "bonding".

It took me 8 months to decide on sleep training. What broke the last straw? Exhaustion. Fatigue. Mental  exasperation. I take care of the babies all day and although I love them more than life itself, I get tired at the end of the day. I want night time to be my time. I want to be able to rest and sleep. No matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn't be a good mum if I am always cranky to my babies--- thats not the kind of mother I imagined myself to be. Something has to be done.

I waited till after Halloween. Kevin and I were already dragging our feet for too long. Time to face our own worst enemy-- our own self doubt. I don't want to second-guess myself on this.

We planned it out, set a strategy and then did it. I admit it was torture. The hardest thing I ever had to do-- listen to babies crying. They said it could last for 2-3 hours. but thank god it only took them 40 minutes. For someone who always responded to every babies' whim, it was the longest 40 minutes of my life. AND IT WAS JUST THE FIRST DAY.

I just hope that this is all worth it. I miss cuddling them at night. But I am teaching them a skill. Skill that would let them have a good and longer sleep. Sleep is to the brain what exercise is to the body.

We still have a lot of rice to eat.... this is just the beginning but I don't regret the decision of giving in to this.

In my effort to feel better about doing it, I found this http://www.redorbit.com/news/video/science_2/1112700726/crying-babies-debate-092512/

HELP!

HELP, i need somebody

HELP, not just anybody

HELP, you know I need someone, HELP!

Raising a baby alone is a big challenge, raising twins is like climbing Mount Everest with one limb. And this is not a hyperbole, this is my reality.

I remember Kevin used to say, "how hard can it be?". Yah, he ate his words because it is friggin H A R D. No matter how much you try to control your emotions, sometimes, you will lose it. I LOST IT several times. Not my proud moments. I felt so guilty afterwards but I have to accept that human as I am, I have my flaws. 

In the weeks following childbirth, I doubt if any parents will feel amorous towards each other.It is pretty understandable, that as new parents, we don't have the time, stamina and interest for any expression of love. What used to be conversations about each other's interests now centers on the babies' poop! 

New role as parents take its toll on our marriage. It is not just physically tiring but psychologically tiring too. And the fact that babies are the main priority, sometimes, our own wellbeing has to take a backseat. True to what old people say, kids make the relationship very challenging but at the same time it makes it more meaningful.

This may sound very cliche but life with kids is worth all the sleepless nights. Someone has to do the job, a thankless job that will take a long long long time for the reward. Sure, a smile can melt your heart but it takes a lot of fussy period to get those toothless grin.

Whenever I feel like my hands are full, I will just psych myself up that it's way better than being empty. Count my blessings.

All my loving

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true


In this day and age, being a mum is supposed to be easier. We have technology and researches to back us up. I can just easily be informed by my app all the milestones and things that my babies are capable of doing. Sometimes, it had its disadvantages. I get so caught up in the "expected" development of my babies that I tend to forget that all babies are different.

I've been told so many times that I "spoil" my babies. This is something that I will never hear from people had I raised my babies back in the Philippines. Back home, we run to our babies every whim. This is why every so often, friends and family asked me what I would do if they both cry. It's like a crime if I let babies cry. On the contrary, I get advised here to let the babies cry it out so as not to spoil them. Two opposing views from two opposite parts of the world. I am caught in the middle of it. It's like a Venn diagram of parenting!

But as they always say, trust your maternal instincts. No book nor researches can tell you what to do. I summoned my mommy brain and gave it a long hard thought. Though bulb said: I just need to give my babies all the love they deserve. Much has been talked about attachment parenting and though some of their views I don't come to terms with, I still believe that I NEED TO BE AT MY CHILDREN'S DISPOSAL AT ALL TIMES.

Luckily, they invented this term called "babywearing". This is the newest fashion trend in Hollywood (it will make them appear as "good parent" therefore increasing their likability and bankability, *wink *wink) which to my knowledge has been practiced as old as time. 

But babywearing for me is more than that, I do it for practical reasons. I got no help here and no one has invented self-cleaning clothes yet so I need to do laundry. I had a hard time admitting that my babies were colic. If we go by definition, technically they weren't. But they cried an awful lot, they want to be held ALL THE TIME. So the only way I can still work around the house is to carry them with me.

I scoured one too many slings, wraps and baby carriers. As an Amazon junkie, I found one that I thought was perfect for me. Had I known that its an enormous amount of cloth I had to wrap around my body, I would've opted for the easy-wear type like baby bjorn. 

Kevin and I wore the babies wherever we go. We often get the "look" from people. Oftentimes, "they look so cute" look, half the time "oh i feel sorry" look. Despite, we enjoyed it. It was a good bonding moment. However, we had to stop wearing them before I will get spinal surgery. 

Are you ready for this?

Last December, when I was very much pregnant, we went to attend Kevin's cousin's wedding social. Months after, I received an invite for her bridal shower. At first I was so hesitant to attend because 1. its a party, there's a lot of people 2. no males around ergo Kevin wouldn't be around 3. babies were
colicky and who wants a party-pooper? ( literally they're also big poopers, lol).

But then, my MIL roped me in for the gift so what the heck, might as well attend. Anyhoo, one part of me also wanted to go and be with human beings other than my husband and in laws. But the mind-changer was my innate mother brain--- I wanted to see Pam's twins. ( twin mom who gave birth 5 months prematurely).

Before Kevin dropped us off at the venue, we attempted to brave the mall. We had our stroller-- headturner by itself. for the first 5 minutes, it went smoothly till they started crying and it went downhill from there. i could almost see the prying looks of people at the back of my head. this is not the kind of attraction any parents would want to have so we headed out.

At the venue, my eyes were searching for the other set of twins. and man oh man, they were sleeping so soundly. My kids are 2 months older but those babies came out 5 months earlier so technically theyre older now. for someone who came out of this world barely 2 lbs, they looked so good and healthy. there my mommy brain again. lol.

i met some of Kevin's relatives and their tales of parenting. I had a good time, good food, giod chat. I
realized how different our culture is or my family's culture from theirs. But I've always wanted to raise my kids the way my parents raise me. and that would mean no Asian F on their report card! ( so help me God!)

Pressies

One of the best things about having babies is that they are gift-magnets. I, for one,  prior to having my own mini-me's was so drawn to baby stuff. There's something about those tiny clothes that screams buy me, buy me. I guess my friends must've felt that "urge" because I got packages from Singapore and Australia.

Abbie got me some sleepers and PJs for the girls.

Helene Feng, who came here in Canada and realized how big a country this is just mailed the gift from Montreal!

And from my ex-boss/mentor Kim and his wife Helayne who laboriously hand-knitted a jacket for the babies, they tossed in hooded towels too.

couldn't be more thankful.. its the thought that counts the most. I felt so blessed.

First stroll

April 6, 2012, Good Friday, my Mama's birthday

We had been scouring for a double stroller that will not cost a dent in our wallet for the longest time but we were not lucky enough to find one. After Sophia and Emma arrived, I found one from Amazon.com-- had to order it from the States because it's not even available in Canada!

The weather was getting better, chilly but not as nasty as couple of months back. So one dreary friday afternoon, when Jesus was dead, we assembled the stroller and went for a ride...

The cosmos was against it.. (you catholic girl should've been fasting and reflecting), the babies were crying and screaming. Before our neighbourhood would release the kraken, we did a U-turn.

As they say, there's always a first time...

Milestone Alert: First smile

Babies have been smiling in their sleep since they were born. Although those smiles struck some heartstrings, my logical mind was saying that it's not a real smile but a reflex action. 

We've been waiting for that one big toothless, gummy grin but it didn't turn out that big at all. In our current sleep-deprived state, even just a "grin' blew my breath away. Finally after weeks of crying, they rewarded us with their first smile. AND I thought to myself... wow, they know me. :)

Post-baby shower

April 1, 2012 
I never had a bridal shower save for the margarita intoxication ( in my honour) at a Mexican pub in Singapore that I had with my friends. It was more of a deleted episode of Sex and the city, too raunchy. lol.

During pregnancy, no one gave me a baby shower too. I was this close to giving myself my own baby shower just to get gifts from people but my shame got the best of me. haha. No, honestly it was because I didn't have that MANY friends to invite in the first place.

So I let it go and just bought my own stuff. I just consoled myself that if I had been in Singapore or Philippines, I wouldve gotten one. 

In one of my convos with MIL, I must've mentioned it to her. So she concocted this secret plan of giving me a shower. Of course, she's no Sherlock Holmes because I found the invites on her kitchen island. On top of that, she told Kevin about it-- my husband's loyalty was on me. 

A day before the shower, she told me about the party. I feigned excitement and surprise.  I didn't have a clue who the guests were. But she said, she's the host, so she got to choose the invited guests.

For what its worth, it turned out fine. MIL's friends were kinda cool. The best part, lots of wine. It was my first booze in almost a year, man was it the sweetest wine! The babies were very social, while they enjoyed the attention, I was bombarded with unsolicited advice. 

Now I have to make room for Emma and Sophie's new stuff. We went home happy and $250 richer.
 ( money loots!)

MIL- mother in law

Easter 2012

Bo and Popits are still too young to go egg hunting but their Nana got them some Easter bunny duck. For the first time in my life, I missed Easter Sunday mass. It's not yet a good time to go to church, not when they're still fussy.

They're growing so fast. They gained double their weight, and for a change there's a calm interval from all those crying spells.

For the love of God, I looked so haggard. Hair unkempt, oily face, super duper dark eye circles. But hey, I'm a mom, of twins nonetheless, I am excused.

someone's gotta eat those chocolate eggs ;)

Happy 1 month Bo and Popits

Where did time go? It's been a month and I didnt even notice it. May be because I've been sleepwalking since Emma and Sophia came. 

They're still sleepyheads. If they're awake, they are fussy. On a positive note, they start to gurgle and coo. But one thing's for sure, they helluva change our lives as we know it. 

I lifted this from a mommy blog. Just to remind me the joys that children bring into our lives.

15 THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY ( Rebecca Woolfe)

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body ... finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

Happy 1st month Bobo and Popits!

First photo shoot

While I was still pregnant, I was scouring for baby stuff when I stumbled upon a mommy blog. This gave me an idea to have a newborn photos. I researched and found it damn expensive that I almost decided against it. Then I went on to kijiji and there was this ad of a photographer who wanted to have a portfolio of twins for half the professional fee. I grabbed the chance and emailed her and it took me two weeks before contacting her again.

When I told Kevin about this, he said its ridiculous. It's minus 30, freezing cold dry winter days and I wanted to bring the babies for a photo shoot! But, after a lengthy discussion/rebuttal, he agreed and we all went to the studio.

We couldn't get any more luckier, it was snowing! dayum, I almost didnt want to make it but what the hell, we're there. The photographer was late, we waited for almost 30 minutes. I was gritting my teeth because I just won this "argument" and I don't want to hear the "i told you so".

Finally, when she came, she ushered us inside and her studio was full of clutter. I had to feed the babies, put them to sleep and had to undress them. Tough feat at two weeks old! At the back of my mind, I was like, what kinda mother was  I, putting my kids through this ordeal.  But it worked out fine. The cosmos cooperated and after two long hours, it was done. We went home. I was so excited to see the fimal results. After two weeks, I got the cds in our mailbox.

To my excitement, I woke up at the crack of dawn just to upload it on FB. haha. stage mom.

Missing pants.

Kevin's mom has a twin. maybe thats the reason we have Emma and Sophia. After 10 days, we decided to give his 91 year old grandma a visit. Since it was their first time to get out of the house, they wore that Gap lacy onesie. I never thought of putting on some pants because they had a bunting to keep them warm. It was in the thick of winter and it snowed that day making it extremely colder than I expected. Call it lapse in judgment or sheer new parent stupidity. It was a bonehead move.

Grandma Bohn who raised twins and 3 other kids without help stood aghast at the sight of the pants-less babies. She told us how hard life was wayyyyyyy back yada yada and she couldnt even remember how she did it with twins
back then. I was eagerly listening to her but at the back of my mind I thought may be circumstances ( having twins, 3 older kids and no help) drove her to be cold/heartless/void of emotions.

Other than making me $200 richer, that visit with Grama brought an epiphany. sort of. It came to me that having twins is undeniably overwhelming and that it takes too much work but I will not let the crying and fatigue get the best of me. Its not my children's fault that I am weak and wimpy. Ergo, I need to toughen it up.

As the old adage goes, if you are going through hell, keep walking. :)

The Crying Game

All babies cry, I pretty much know that. But I have two. They cried like you want to send them to nowhere--- only a mom of two colicky kids can only understand. It made me so frustrated that I don't have two laps and four arms. Duh, genetics!

They said ( mother in law, unsolicited advice) that you just have to let the babies cry for 5 minutes and they will stop. Easier said than done. I know they will not self-destruct through crying but I cant bear to listen to them cry. Besides, biology made a clever way for mothers to respond to their babies through a leaking breasts!  I thought it was funny kinda weird before but it happened.

We tried everything. It's like they're not happy if they don't cry. Oxymoron. I almost lost it or may be I did lose it. Then I remember that book I bought " the happiest baby on the block". I tried to turn on the white noise from the vacuum cleaner. And voila, it worked like magic. Like they were in stupor, transfixed to la la land. Boy, was I ever relieved. I just have to get used to this noise. Whatever works, and this white noise is my saving grace. 

sleep baby sleep