Homecoming

February 18- Saturday. After what feels like forever, we were good to go. In just 5 days, my life was changed. Doctors found me fit to go home. Though staying in the hospital was like having 24/7 help, our lives had to be started.

As it turned out, Sophia wasnt ready to come home yet. Her feeding was erratic and she had to learn to feed on her own. My heart sank. But it was for the best. I had to pump milk to leave to Sophia. After I packed our stuff, I went to see her at NICU. She was no longer in her feeding tube but still she had to stay. The nurse assigned to her couldn't even tell me when she'll be home. We took some photos and I was sobbing on our way home. T'was a bittersweet moment. 

Looking back, it was all part of God's greater scheme of things. I wouldnt know what to do had Sophia came home with us. When we got home our house looked like it was hit by a tornado and I was too weak to clean. I did what I could do at that time which affected my surgery( story to follow). To recuperate from a major surgery on top of taking care of a newborn was the hardest thing Ive gone through in my life. We are first time parents plagued with anxiety and self-doubt. My support system consists of two people: my husband and my mother in law. That was not enough considering the enormous responsibility to take care of not one but two newborns. Despite the obvious fact that we were over the moon with Emma and Sophia in our lives, inevitably my stress level was through the roof which somehow took a toll on my recovery. 

Nevertheless, as they say, the show must go on. Keep moving keep moving was our mantra. Emma was getting used to the new environment and it wasnt easy for her. Of course if it wasnt easy for her, all the more with us. It was a cutthroat situation, when we were both tired and sleep-deprived-- a very dangerous combo. I was too weak but had to keep the house livable. I was even too ambitious to think that I could breastfeed exclusively. That too didn't happen since formula was already introduced in the hospital because I was on c-section. So when we got home, we didnt have any baby bottle! Kevin had to rush to the store to get bottles and formula. Whatever breast milk I had pumped, it was delivered to Sophia as she needed it more.

I don't want to sugarcoat the experience, it was tough. Really tough. I was on a brink of losing sanity. And I realized we didnt even have Sophia yet in the first few days we were home. Then it occured to me, that her staying at the NICU was a blessing in disguise. God is good.

Sophia at NICU

EMMA dolled up to come home

Skin to skin with Sophia before we left the hospital

Day 1: NICU time

All throughout my pregnancy, I was praying for healthy babies and no NICU time. Guess you can't have it all, Sophia stayed for 5 days at Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. In retrospect, It was a good thing. With Sophia in NICU, she had 24/7 care.


After my c-section, I was wheeled to the recovery room and stayed there while my room was prepared. I had my first breastfeeding with Emma. Thank God she latched well within first try. I know they're both healthy as they have 9 and 10 apgar scales. Emma's birth weight was 5.9 lbs while Sophia was 4.1 lbs. Never expected they would differ this much. Since Sophia;s birth weight was less than 5 lbs, she has to stay in NICU till she'll get to 5 lbs.


Emma was with me after she was checked by the nurses. Unlike before, babies now stay in the same room as the mom to promote breastfeeding and early bonding. Nurses would check on us every hour and taught us the basics in newborn care. 


I had to be on a wheel chair because I was still weak post surgery. Good thing my room was just near NiCU. I visited Sophia while Kevin took care of Emma. The nurse told me that she refused to feed, so I breastfed her which was counterproductive coz she has to exert a lot of effort to latch. My mommy genes made my heart ached, she's so tiny and fragile and I felt so bad not having her next to me. In the end it all worked out. 

Skin to skin with Sophia

Bonding with Sophia.

Sophia in her bassinet at NICU

SO sweet of my MIL to bring some pressies

1 day old Emma

Emma sleeping with me. 

Birth story

This post is long overdue. But I am juggling twins, I cant even find time to comb my hair, let alone update my blog. ( I can almost hear my friend Mona yelling E X C U S E S ). Okay, I admit it. I have lil time but the moment I tried to collect my thoughts and write, babies start wailing.  But last week, I shared to my home visitor that I will write an entry and shes been prodding me so here i am.


Its been 4 months post-birth but I saved the memories of that fateful day that changed my life forever. Sounds so cliche but its the truth. My life made a 360 degree turn and so far it has been one helluva rollercoaster ride.


Throughout my pregnancy, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety. What with twins and living far from my parents, it has been very overwhelming. On top of that, reading a lot of stuff made me more anxious than ever. I had a prayer barrage to the Big Boss to get me through at least 37 weeks so that I will have a full-term pregnancy. All I wanted was just to give birth and be home with the babies. But as you all know, it didnt happen that way.


Big Boss up there must've been annoyed by my barrage because I was on my 38 weeks and still very much pregnant. So my OB-GYNE told me, if those babies would not pop by themselves at the end of the 37 weeks, then we would eject them. I heard induction is crazy shitz so I did my research on how to go in labour naturally. Too bad it was Grammy's that time :)


February 13, 2012- Monday DAY 1


Kevin and I woke up so early. Both anxious. I was psyching myself that it will be easy breezy labour. I had breakfast and went to the hospital. I made a playlist the night before ( Tony Bennet's duets and Jason Mraz) to aid me through labour. I also made a cheat sheet on what to do. It felt like I was about to take the biggest exam of my life. No margin of error--- that was the goal.

breakfast of champions

When we got to the hospital, most of the pregnant women there were already in labour. I was the only calm one. Looking at their faces, I was like good grief.. must've hurt a lot. We checked in, luckily Kevin has a very good insurance coverage so I was able to get a private room. Healthcare in Canada is for free but the luxury of choosing rooms depends on your insurance as well.


Since I am having twins, the likelihood of an emergency c-section is expected as I was told. But I was driven to deliver them vaginally. To get the show going, I donned hospital gown and went through all the ordeal ( i.e. bp, weight, blah blah ) before I was hooked up with fetal monitors and whathaveyous. A long wait before they started the induction, wasted almost an entire day laying down and doing nothing. It was late in the afternoon when they finally gave me the first dosage.


The oxytocin didnt kick in till late in the evening. So I was facebooking and tweeting while induced. After a couple of hours, I'm not even close to 2 cm dilated! So at 6:30pm, the nurses decided to stop the oxytocin and  sent me to sleep.

February 14, 2012- Tuesday- V-DAY DAY 2


I woke up famished. They didn't give me anything the day before in case I would go into labour. So I asked the nurse for food. LIke a starving homeless person, I devoured the hospital food like I havent eaten in 48 years. Then doctor came in and told me that they will start the induction again, this time they would up the dosage which means stronger than normal contractions. I was pretty confident but it started to become very uncomfortable. I had a lot of things hooked up, then I started to get contractions. At first it was mild, but since its a "forced" labour, it was painful. Later in the afternoon, I couldn't take the pain and asked for pain reliever. They gave me morphine and it eased the pain instantaneously. But as we got through the night, the contractions became stronger which weakened the effectiveness of the pain killers. I HAVE NEVER FELT THAT KIND OF PAIN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. It felt like my hips and spinal bones were crushed inside. IT WAS EFFIN PAINFUL. All those breathing techniques I practiced beforehand flew out of the window. Breathing techniques, relaxation my foot!! So I told Kevin, its time to get epidural. I dont care what they say about going natural. I NEED epidural.


At close to 9pm, a Filipino nurse, very chatty, briefed me about epidural. I said I researched about it and would take the risk. (insert sarcasm) It's just a needle poked at my spinal area that could render me paralyzed, no big deal I said. I had to joke about it. No other way to deal. So Kevin sat in front of me and the doctor poked a needle which sent shivers down my spine! Not the tingling sensation-kinda shivers, its body-numbing shivers! After half an hour, I couldnt feel my lower extremities. As part of the ordeal, I had to be cathetered. Maaan, it feels so gross and very uncomfortable. Like cathether was not gross enough,  they have to attach a devise to pick up other baby's heartbeat through inter-vaginal heartbeat monitor. With all stuff attached to my anatomy and genitalia, i lost all my dignity. I couldnt care less anymore. I just want the babies to be safe and sound. I was too ambitious to think that they will come out on Valentines Day but after midnight, I was still 5 cm! And that's  In two days!!!!


February 15, Wednesday-- D DAY


It was almost 2 am when I vomited and ran a fever. I was so tired and exhausted. The nurse had to check the babies heartbeat every 30 minutes. My fever worsen and the babies' heartbeats been faster than usual. By 6:00 am, the doctors decided to do c-section. They said that the babies were in duress and they have to be delivered as soon as possible. I was so groggy and shivering when they made me sign the consent form and asked Kevin to put on scrubs. It felt like one of those episodes on HOUSE where doctors asked for crash cart, bed was pushed to the operating room. Inside the OR, everybody was so busy. I had another round of anaesthesia to numb my body for the operation. "Adele" was reverberating in the background. At 7:45 am, the entire surgical team was ready.. we're going to have our babies.


Kevin was beside me wearing surgical mask and scrubs. There was a big blanket in front of me, which made sense not to see your body under the knife. I was very much aware and conscious, I could even feel the tugging as they cut me open. By 8:23am, baby A was delivered, a minute after baby B followed suit.


When I heard them cry, I cried. It was more of relief and happiness. But at the back of my mind, all I could think of was, please please make them complete! As agreed by Kevin and I, the first baby would be named Emma and then Sophia.


The team did the Apgar scale with Kevin. I just closed my eyes and prayed that they're all right. It was only when someone shouted 9 and 10 that I felt relaxed. Then I knew that babies are healthy. Kevin brought Emma and Sophia to me and every aches and pains I went through evaporated into thin air. I fell love at first sight. It felt so surreal but finally Emma Luz and Sophia Betty are here. I am officially a mum. 


disclaimer: seeing emma and sophia, it was worth all the pain. but....... i will not do it again. lol.

two become four!

my doula