2013

I made a lot of feeble attempts to write everyday for this blog but as you can see, to no avail. My LOs have been sleeping through the night after three days of sleep training. Indeed, I can say, It was one of the best parenting decisions I made. 

I have a lot of things to write about. They are all under "drafts". Now that I gained my life back after 7pm, I still dont have the energy to squeeze whatever brain juices left from a day's momma work. Sophia and Emma are so active eager beaver now that they will not let you rest nor sit down. The fun part is here and so is the tiring part. Guess my body aged so much in a span of a 11 months that working playing with babies is such  a labour-intensive exercise already.

What better way to usher the year than to write about it. It's 30 past 12, we just rung in the new year here in central time zone. I rung in the new year in my pjs munching on dried out french fries and a litre of coke. I had crab cakes, calamaris and nachos but nothing sort of fancy like what is expected of a Media Noche in the Philippines. We would've gone to a new year's eve party but the kids are not alright and teething is the culprit. I feel so helpless whenever they cough/sniffles. I just hope this is just part of the teething phase and nothing serious.

I am excited and anxious for this year. After a year of staying at home, I will be back to work in a month's time. It's just a MAJOR adjustment, what with daycare, winter, babies. It's too much to take in so I am bracing myself. I can't help but be anxious, I worry for my babies. They will have a hard time too being hauled early morning in below freezing temperature and stay with other kids. I know I know. But this is our life now. There's no nanny or grandnanny who would do the babysitting duties. We have to make do with what we got and I am still lucky enough to have found a daycare just minutes away from our place. More than anything else, it's the weather that sucks. It's hard enough to wake up early in the morning let alone a chilly cold seeping through your bones. que sera sera. Just have the positive attitude that things will work out good.

In two weeks time, we will start our trial run at the daycare..... Which means, I have to get my ass off in the morning with the kids for two weeks till they get used to their new "environment". Two weeks. Maan. this is it. But having survived childbirth... this is nothing. HA!

2013 means going home too. We need to while the babies are still free. My passport will expire in January 2014 so I need to go home mid 2013 so I dont have to go to Ottawa just to have it renewed.

OTT-- I just dont get it Philippines. Manitoba has the highest number of Filipinos in the entire Canada. Heck, Tagalog is even the second spoken language here. Why can't we have our own consulate??? 

So 2013, let's turn around this anxiety into excitement. I dont do new year's resolutions anymore. I rephrased it to aims and goals.( which is technically the same thing hahaha).

1. to be less indulgent. underindulgence?
2. to be frugal. (see number 1)
3. to worry less, pray more.
4. to be a couponer. ( see number 2. lol)
5. to learn BAKING. 

We ran around town

I run around town, around round the round
With the pedal to the met, the pedal to whatever
I run around round, around round the town
With the pedal to the met, the pedal to whatever

We love bike rides. It used to be our favourite pastime. I just got a new bike when I learned that I was pregnant last year. For the first few months, we still went biking despite the bump. Then winter came.

Kevin and I agreed that just because we have kids, doesnt mean we have to stop doing the things we used to do. We just have to make some 'adjustments'. Let the kids be a part of our lives...the life as we know it. Our universe revolves around Emma and Sophia... but we are slowly incorporating them in our own "universe" too. For now, there's just little you can do.

Thankfully, last summer they were old enough for strolling and bike rides. My neighbour Liza gave me her 'advanced' christening present--- she gave me a double bike trailer-- something I've never thought of buying. It was the best gift we got last summer, it made our bike rides with kids possible.

We were so excited to test it out.So one fine day, we took the kids for a ride. Mr. sun, sun Mr golden sun  was shining down on us. Couldn't have been so perfect a time. The kids were surprisingly good throughout the entire ride. It was a success. Looking forward to more bike rides next summer .

How to Raise a Child

Be consistent

DON'T speak about  him to others (e.g. tell funny things) in his presence. ( don't make him self-conscious).

DON'T praise him for something I wouldn't always accept as good.

DON'T reprimand him harshly for something he's been allowed to do.

DAILY routine; eating, homework, bath. teeth. room, story, bed.

DON'T allow him to monopolize me when I am with other people.

Always speak well of his pop.

Do not discourage childish fantasies.

 Make him aware that there is a grown-up world that's none of his business.

Do not assume that what I don't like to do, he won't like either.

-SUSAN SONTAG-

Picasso Picasso

" Every CHILD is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up"

Don't worry about dolls

It's hard being a parent. You either make or break your child. So it's not surprising that most parents worry a lot about the future and what it holds for their kids. I came across this "fatherly advice" from the author of one of my favorite books, The Great Gatsby's F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's a letter he sent to his daughter. Poignant. 

Things to worry about:

Worry about courage
Worry about Cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship
Worry about…

Things not to worry about:

Don’t worry about popular opinion
Don’t worry about dolls
Don’t worry about the past
Don’t worry about the future
Don’t worry about growing up
Don’t worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don’t worry about triumph
Don’t worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don’t worry about mosquitoes
Don’t worry about flies
Don’t worry about insects in general
Don’t worry about parents
Don’t worry about boys
Don’t worry about disappointments
Don’t worry about pleasures
Don’t worry about satisfactions

Things to think about:

What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:

(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?

Cry me a river: sleep training

I cant believe I am saying this. I "Ferberize" my babies. If you would've asked me a month ago, I wouldve given you a lecture on Erik Erikson's trust vs mistrust issue. Yes, I took my psychology too seriously. I couldnt say it often enough, its against my biology to let them cry. But I am at my wits end. I need to teach them to sleep.

My pediatrician told me to let them cry on their 6 month's visit. But I didnt do it, its not something that we practice in our culture. We co-sleep and we don't let babies cry. But I am alone.  I have no help and my patience is wearing out. I spread myself too thin that literally it shows in my body weight. I haven't seen my clavicle since I was in high school!

I did my research. I am by the books in everything. I have no parents nor friends who are here physically with me who can lend me a manual. And as it turned out, there's no conclusive evidence that CRY IT OUT( CIO) has any adverse effect on babies. Although, attachment parenting proponents advocate anti-CIO, their thesis on this issue has something to do with "bonding".

It took me 8 months to decide on sleep training. What broke the last straw? Exhaustion. Fatigue. Mental  exasperation. I take care of the babies all day and although I love them more than life itself, I get tired at the end of the day. I want night time to be my time. I want to be able to rest and sleep. No matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn't be a good mum if I am always cranky to my babies--- thats not the kind of mother I imagined myself to be. Something has to be done.

I waited till after Halloween. Kevin and I were already dragging our feet for too long. Time to face our own worst enemy-- our own self doubt. I don't want to second-guess myself on this.

We planned it out, set a strategy and then did it. I admit it was torture. The hardest thing I ever had to do-- listen to babies crying. They said it could last for 2-3 hours. but thank god it only took them 40 minutes. For someone who always responded to every babies' whim, it was the longest 40 minutes of my life. AND IT WAS JUST THE FIRST DAY.

I just hope that this is all worth it. I miss cuddling them at night. But I am teaching them a skill. Skill that would let them have a good and longer sleep. Sleep is to the brain what exercise is to the body.

We still have a lot of rice to eat.... this is just the beginning but I don't regret the decision of giving in to this.

In my effort to feel better about doing it, I found this http://www.redorbit.com/news/video/science_2/1112700726/crying-babies-debate-092512/

HELP!

HELP, i need somebody

HELP, not just anybody

HELP, you know I need someone, HELP!

Raising a baby alone is a big challenge, raising twins is like climbing Mount Everest with one limb. And this is not a hyperbole, this is my reality.

I remember Kevin used to say, "how hard can it be?". Yah, he ate his words because it is friggin H A R D. No matter how much you try to control your emotions, sometimes, you will lose it. I LOST IT several times. Not my proud moments. I felt so guilty afterwards but I have to accept that human as I am, I have my flaws. 

In the weeks following childbirth, I doubt if any parents will feel amorous towards each other.It is pretty understandable, that as new parents, we don't have the time, stamina and interest for any expression of love. What used to be conversations about each other's interests now centers on the babies' poop! 

New role as parents take its toll on our marriage. It is not just physically tiring but psychologically tiring too. And the fact that babies are the main priority, sometimes, our own wellbeing has to take a backseat. True to what old people say, kids make the relationship very challenging but at the same time it makes it more meaningful.

This may sound very cliche but life with kids is worth all the sleepless nights. Someone has to do the job, a thankless job that will take a long long long time for the reward. Sure, a smile can melt your heart but it takes a lot of fussy period to get those toothless grin.

Whenever I feel like my hands are full, I will just psych myself up that it's way better than being empty. Count my blessings.

All my loving

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true


In this day and age, being a mum is supposed to be easier. We have technology and researches to back us up. I can just easily be informed by my app all the milestones and things that my babies are capable of doing. Sometimes, it had its disadvantages. I get so caught up in the "expected" development of my babies that I tend to forget that all babies are different.

I've been told so many times that I "spoil" my babies. This is something that I will never hear from people had I raised my babies back in the Philippines. Back home, we run to our babies every whim. This is why every so often, friends and family asked me what I would do if they both cry. It's like a crime if I let babies cry. On the contrary, I get advised here to let the babies cry it out so as not to spoil them. Two opposing views from two opposite parts of the world. I am caught in the middle of it. It's like a Venn diagram of parenting!

But as they always say, trust your maternal instincts. No book nor researches can tell you what to do. I summoned my mommy brain and gave it a long hard thought. Though bulb said: I just need to give my babies all the love they deserve. Much has been talked about attachment parenting and though some of their views I don't come to terms with, I still believe that I NEED TO BE AT MY CHILDREN'S DISPOSAL AT ALL TIMES.

Luckily, they invented this term called "babywearing". This is the newest fashion trend in Hollywood (it will make them appear as "good parent" therefore increasing their likability and bankability, *wink *wink) which to my knowledge has been practiced as old as time. 

But babywearing for me is more than that, I do it for practical reasons. I got no help here and no one has invented self-cleaning clothes yet so I need to do laundry. I had a hard time admitting that my babies were colic. If we go by definition, technically they weren't. But they cried an awful lot, they want to be held ALL THE TIME. So the only way I can still work around the house is to carry them with me.

I scoured one too many slings, wraps and baby carriers. As an Amazon junkie, I found one that I thought was perfect for me. Had I known that its an enormous amount of cloth I had to wrap around my body, I would've opted for the easy-wear type like baby bjorn. 

Kevin and I wore the babies wherever we go. We often get the "look" from people. Oftentimes, "they look so cute" look, half the time "oh i feel sorry" look. Despite, we enjoyed it. It was a good bonding moment. However, we had to stop wearing them before I will get spinal surgery. 

Are you ready for this?

Last December, when I was very much pregnant, we went to attend Kevin's cousin's wedding social. Months after, I received an invite for her bridal shower. At first I was so hesitant to attend because 1. its a party, there's a lot of people 2. no males around ergo Kevin wouldn't be around 3. babies were
colicky and who wants a party-pooper? ( literally they're also big poopers, lol).

But then, my MIL roped me in for the gift so what the heck, might as well attend. Anyhoo, one part of me also wanted to go and be with human beings other than my husband and in laws. But the mind-changer was my innate mother brain--- I wanted to see Pam's twins. ( twin mom who gave birth 5 months prematurely).

Before Kevin dropped us off at the venue, we attempted to brave the mall. We had our stroller-- headturner by itself. for the first 5 minutes, it went smoothly till they started crying and it went downhill from there. i could almost see the prying looks of people at the back of my head. this is not the kind of attraction any parents would want to have so we headed out.

At the venue, my eyes were searching for the other set of twins. and man oh man, they were sleeping so soundly. My kids are 2 months older but those babies came out 5 months earlier so technically theyre older now. for someone who came out of this world barely 2 lbs, they looked so good and healthy. there my mommy brain again. lol.

i met some of Kevin's relatives and their tales of parenting. I had a good time, good food, giod chat. I
realized how different our culture is or my family's culture from theirs. But I've always wanted to raise my kids the way my parents raise me. and that would mean no Asian F on their report card! ( so help me God!)

Pressies

One of the best things about having babies is that they are gift-magnets. I, for one,  prior to having my own mini-me's was so drawn to baby stuff. There's something about those tiny clothes that screams buy me, buy me. I guess my friends must've felt that "urge" because I got packages from Singapore and Australia.

Abbie got me some sleepers and PJs for the girls.

Helene Feng, who came here in Canada and realized how big a country this is just mailed the gift from Montreal!

And from my ex-boss/mentor Kim and his wife Helayne who laboriously hand-knitted a jacket for the babies, they tossed in hooded towels too.

couldn't be more thankful.. its the thought that counts the most. I felt so blessed.

First stroll

April 6, 2012, Good Friday, my Mama's birthday

We had been scouring for a double stroller that will not cost a dent in our wallet for the longest time but we were not lucky enough to find one. After Sophia and Emma arrived, I found one from Amazon.com-- had to order it from the States because it's not even available in Canada!

The weather was getting better, chilly but not as nasty as couple of months back. So one dreary friday afternoon, when Jesus was dead, we assembled the stroller and went for a ride...

The cosmos was against it.. (you catholic girl should've been fasting and reflecting), the babies were crying and screaming. Before our neighbourhood would release the kraken, we did a U-turn.

As they say, there's always a first time...

Milestone Alert: First smile

Babies have been smiling in their sleep since they were born. Although those smiles struck some heartstrings, my logical mind was saying that it's not a real smile but a reflex action. 

We've been waiting for that one big toothless, gummy grin but it didn't turn out that big at all. In our current sleep-deprived state, even just a "grin' blew my breath away. Finally after weeks of crying, they rewarded us with their first smile. AND I thought to myself... wow, they know me. :)

Post-baby shower

April 1, 2012 
I never had a bridal shower save for the margarita intoxication ( in my honour) at a Mexican pub in Singapore that I had with my friends. It was more of a deleted episode of Sex and the city, too raunchy. lol.

During pregnancy, no one gave me a baby shower too. I was this close to giving myself my own baby shower just to get gifts from people but my shame got the best of me. haha. No, honestly it was because I didn't have that MANY friends to invite in the first place.

So I let it go and just bought my own stuff. I just consoled myself that if I had been in Singapore or Philippines, I wouldve gotten one. 

In one of my convos with MIL, I must've mentioned it to her. So she concocted this secret plan of giving me a shower. Of course, she's no Sherlock Holmes because I found the invites on her kitchen island. On top of that, she told Kevin about it-- my husband's loyalty was on me. 

A day before the shower, she told me about the party. I feigned excitement and surprise.  I didn't have a clue who the guests were. But she said, she's the host, so she got to choose the invited guests.

For what its worth, it turned out fine. MIL's friends were kinda cool. The best part, lots of wine. It was my first booze in almost a year, man was it the sweetest wine! The babies were very social, while they enjoyed the attention, I was bombarded with unsolicited advice. 

Now I have to make room for Emma and Sophie's new stuff. We went home happy and $250 richer.
 ( money loots!)

MIL- mother in law

Easter 2012

Bo and Popits are still too young to go egg hunting but their Nana got them some Easter bunny duck. For the first time in my life, I missed Easter Sunday mass. It's not yet a good time to go to church, not when they're still fussy.

They're growing so fast. They gained double their weight, and for a change there's a calm interval from all those crying spells.

For the love of God, I looked so haggard. Hair unkempt, oily face, super duper dark eye circles. But hey, I'm a mom, of twins nonetheless, I am excused.

someone's gotta eat those chocolate eggs ;)

Happy 1 month Bo and Popits

Where did time go? It's been a month and I didnt even notice it. May be because I've been sleepwalking since Emma and Sophia came. 

They're still sleepyheads. If they're awake, they are fussy. On a positive note, they start to gurgle and coo. But one thing's for sure, they helluva change our lives as we know it. 

I lifted this from a mommy blog. Just to remind me the joys that children bring into our lives.

15 THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY ( Rebecca Woolfe)

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body ... finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

Happy 1st month Bobo and Popits!

First photo shoot

While I was still pregnant, I was scouring for baby stuff when I stumbled upon a mommy blog. This gave me an idea to have a newborn photos. I researched and found it damn expensive that I almost decided against it. Then I went on to kijiji and there was this ad of a photographer who wanted to have a portfolio of twins for half the professional fee. I grabbed the chance and emailed her and it took me two weeks before contacting her again.

When I told Kevin about this, he said its ridiculous. It's minus 30, freezing cold dry winter days and I wanted to bring the babies for a photo shoot! But, after a lengthy discussion/rebuttal, he agreed and we all went to the studio.

We couldn't get any more luckier, it was snowing! dayum, I almost didnt want to make it but what the hell, we're there. The photographer was late, we waited for almost 30 minutes. I was gritting my teeth because I just won this "argument" and I don't want to hear the "i told you so".

Finally, when she came, she ushered us inside and her studio was full of clutter. I had to feed the babies, put them to sleep and had to undress them. Tough feat at two weeks old! At the back of my mind, I was like, what kinda mother was  I, putting my kids through this ordeal.  But it worked out fine. The cosmos cooperated and after two long hours, it was done. We went home. I was so excited to see the fimal results. After two weeks, I got the cds in our mailbox.

To my excitement, I woke up at the crack of dawn just to upload it on FB. haha. stage mom.

Missing pants.

Kevin's mom has a twin. maybe thats the reason we have Emma and Sophia. After 10 days, we decided to give his 91 year old grandma a visit. Since it was their first time to get out of the house, they wore that Gap lacy onesie. I never thought of putting on some pants because they had a bunting to keep them warm. It was in the thick of winter and it snowed that day making it extremely colder than I expected. Call it lapse in judgment or sheer new parent stupidity. It was a bonehead move.

Grandma Bohn who raised twins and 3 other kids without help stood aghast at the sight of the pants-less babies. She told us how hard life was wayyyyyyy back yada yada and she couldnt even remember how she did it with twins
back then. I was eagerly listening to her but at the back of my mind I thought may be circumstances ( having twins, 3 older kids and no help) drove her to be cold/heartless/void of emotions.

Other than making me $200 richer, that visit with Grama brought an epiphany. sort of. It came to me that having twins is undeniably overwhelming and that it takes too much work but I will not let the crying and fatigue get the best of me. Its not my children's fault that I am weak and wimpy. Ergo, I need to toughen it up.

As the old adage goes, if you are going through hell, keep walking. :)

The Crying Game

All babies cry, I pretty much know that. But I have two. They cried like you want to send them to nowhere--- only a mom of two colicky kids can only understand. It made me so frustrated that I don't have two laps and four arms. Duh, genetics!

They said ( mother in law, unsolicited advice) that you just have to let the babies cry for 5 minutes and they will stop. Easier said than done. I know they will not self-destruct through crying but I cant bear to listen to them cry. Besides, biology made a clever way for mothers to respond to their babies through a leaking breasts!  I thought it was funny kinda weird before but it happened.

We tried everything. It's like they're not happy if they don't cry. Oxymoron. I almost lost it or may be I did lose it. Then I remember that book I bought " the happiest baby on the block". I tried to turn on the white noise from the vacuum cleaner. And voila, it worked like magic. Like they were in stupor, transfixed to la la land. Boy, was I ever relieved. I just have to get used to this noise. Whatever works, and this white noise is my saving grace. 

sleep baby sleep

Reunited

After 4 days of being home, we received a call from the hospital that Sophia was good to go. I was so happy but at the same time I was worried on how to handle the twins. We thought she would stay at NICU for a week or two but she must've wanted to be home too. :)

February 22, Wednesday. 

We fetched Sophia from NICU. I was still weak, not strong enough to carry the carseats, so Kevin had to carry both. We got the oohhs and ahhs that came with having twins. People would always comment how blessed we are. But half the time they would also say its a lot of work. I cant discount the latter. Having one baby would already turn your life around, WHAT MORE With two.

I didn't dwell so much on the hardwork. Its given. I was more concerned on kevin and I not killing each other in the process. We all know marriage takes a different turn when children come along. There should be a constant reminder to each other not to get wrapped up in our new role as parents. After all, we are still husband and wife on top of being parents. Not an easy feat, parenthood makes marriage a lot harder-- like constantly being in a race sans a finish line. But this is what we signed up for. As they say, if you are going through hell, just keep on moving. 

With Sophia at home, we are complete. The real adventure is about to start.

when shit hits the fan

Hematoma refers to an abnormal collection of blood in the body that is typically the result of a broken or ruptured blood vessel. Hematomas can cause a minor skin bruise or a collection of clotted blood that is deep within a muscle, organ or even the skull ( about.com)

Two days after we got home with Emma, I was still so weak. While we were still in the hospital, my prognosis was good that I was able to walk 24 hours post-surgery.

Canada's awesome health care provides you  a public nurse to check in on you postpartum. When we got home, the public nurse gave us a visit. Upon checking me up, she noticed the bruises and told me that I need to go to ER because I "might" have hematoma. As if it's not enough that I have twins and c section, I had hematoma. It was already very stressful juggling chores and caring for newborn Emma. I was beside myself and ignored what the nurse said but the bleeding didnt stop. Kevin pushed me to go to the hospital. We had no choice but to drive ourselves to emergency room with Emma in the middle of below zero winter.

Waiting in the emergency was like watching grass grow or paint to dry. Time went so slow, and we had a 4-day old baby with us. A good concerned friend told me to send the baby home (as her immune system was still fragile and she might catch something from the hospital). I mustered the courage to wait at the emergency on my own with bleeding stitches. Kevin together with Emma went home while I waited for bloody 6 hours. For a moment there I thought i would pass out from blood loss. When i was finally checked, doctor told me it was no cause for concern as there were no signs of infection. Some pep talk and I went home with a gauze pad. Yes, a gauze pad and a vote of confidence that I would be all right.

The following day, I was assigned with a new nurse, this time not as cheeky as the previous one. She checked on me and said that I need to go to emergency again ( WHAT?!). I told her the trouble I had to go through just to get a gauze pad but she had some clout in the hospital and had me admitted at the OB triage. I sprinted my way to the hospital and 3 doctors drained the effin blood clot from my stitches and sent me home. It almost threw me. I thought I had to be restitched again.

I kept on telling myself to be strong. I had to. I had no choice. It's not that I was careless, reckless ( insert synonyms), I was just "active" because I had to. The laundry will not wash on itself.

And I remember growing up, I had all the help I could possibly get. We were not rich but we had nanny and maid. It wasn't that difficult for my parents. As a working adult, I had students living with me. They helped me in so many ways. I was very dependent. VERY. My mom's worried about me because she knows I'm the sloth in the family........and the irony of life, I'm raising twins in a first world country where having a maid is a luxury.

Kevin kept on saying how proud he is of me. But there's nothing to be proud of, I'm on i-cant-believe-i-can-do-this mentality. I guess what it  all boils down to is adaptation-- basic need for survival. Live and learn is the name of the game. And everyday it's not just learning about motherhood but learning about myself too

Homecoming

February 18- Saturday. After what feels like forever, we were good to go. In just 5 days, my life was changed. Doctors found me fit to go home. Though staying in the hospital was like having 24/7 help, our lives had to be started.

As it turned out, Sophia wasnt ready to come home yet. Her feeding was erratic and she had to learn to feed on her own. My heart sank. But it was for the best. I had to pump milk to leave to Sophia. After I packed our stuff, I went to see her at NICU. She was no longer in her feeding tube but still she had to stay. The nurse assigned to her couldn't even tell me when she'll be home. We took some photos and I was sobbing on our way home. T'was a bittersweet moment. 

Looking back, it was all part of God's greater scheme of things. I wouldnt know what to do had Sophia came home with us. When we got home our house looked like it was hit by a tornado and I was too weak to clean. I did what I could do at that time which affected my surgery( story to follow). To recuperate from a major surgery on top of taking care of a newborn was the hardest thing Ive gone through in my life. We are first time parents plagued with anxiety and self-doubt. My support system consists of two people: my husband and my mother in law. That was not enough considering the enormous responsibility to take care of not one but two newborns. Despite the obvious fact that we were over the moon with Emma and Sophia in our lives, inevitably my stress level was through the roof which somehow took a toll on my recovery. 

Nevertheless, as they say, the show must go on. Keep moving keep moving was our mantra. Emma was getting used to the new environment and it wasnt easy for her. Of course if it wasnt easy for her, all the more with us. It was a cutthroat situation, when we were both tired and sleep-deprived-- a very dangerous combo. I was too weak but had to keep the house livable. I was even too ambitious to think that I could breastfeed exclusively. That too didn't happen since formula was already introduced in the hospital because I was on c-section. So when we got home, we didnt have any baby bottle! Kevin had to rush to the store to get bottles and formula. Whatever breast milk I had pumped, it was delivered to Sophia as she needed it more.

I don't want to sugarcoat the experience, it was tough. Really tough. I was on a brink of losing sanity. And I realized we didnt even have Sophia yet in the first few days we were home. Then it occured to me, that her staying at the NICU was a blessing in disguise. God is good.

Sophia at NICU

EMMA dolled up to come home

Skin to skin with Sophia before we left the hospital

Day 1: NICU time

All throughout my pregnancy, I was praying for healthy babies and no NICU time. Guess you can't have it all, Sophia stayed for 5 days at Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. In retrospect, It was a good thing. With Sophia in NICU, she had 24/7 care.


After my c-section, I was wheeled to the recovery room and stayed there while my room was prepared. I had my first breastfeeding with Emma. Thank God she latched well within first try. I know they're both healthy as they have 9 and 10 apgar scales. Emma's birth weight was 5.9 lbs while Sophia was 4.1 lbs. Never expected they would differ this much. Since Sophia;s birth weight was less than 5 lbs, she has to stay in NICU till she'll get to 5 lbs.


Emma was with me after she was checked by the nurses. Unlike before, babies now stay in the same room as the mom to promote breastfeeding and early bonding. Nurses would check on us every hour and taught us the basics in newborn care. 


I had to be on a wheel chair because I was still weak post surgery. Good thing my room was just near NiCU. I visited Sophia while Kevin took care of Emma. The nurse told me that she refused to feed, so I breastfed her which was counterproductive coz she has to exert a lot of effort to latch. My mommy genes made my heart ached, she's so tiny and fragile and I felt so bad not having her next to me. In the end it all worked out. 

Skin to skin with Sophia

Bonding with Sophia.

Sophia in her bassinet at NICU

SO sweet of my MIL to bring some pressies

1 day old Emma

Emma sleeping with me. 

Birth story

This post is long overdue. But I am juggling twins, I cant even find time to comb my hair, let alone update my blog. ( I can almost hear my friend Mona yelling E X C U S E S ). Okay, I admit it. I have lil time but the moment I tried to collect my thoughts and write, babies start wailing.  But last week, I shared to my home visitor that I will write an entry and shes been prodding me so here i am.


Its been 4 months post-birth but I saved the memories of that fateful day that changed my life forever. Sounds so cliche but its the truth. My life made a 360 degree turn and so far it has been one helluva rollercoaster ride.


Throughout my pregnancy, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety. What with twins and living far from my parents, it has been very overwhelming. On top of that, reading a lot of stuff made me more anxious than ever. I had a prayer barrage to the Big Boss to get me through at least 37 weeks so that I will have a full-term pregnancy. All I wanted was just to give birth and be home with the babies. But as you all know, it didnt happen that way.


Big Boss up there must've been annoyed by my barrage because I was on my 38 weeks and still very much pregnant. So my OB-GYNE told me, if those babies would not pop by themselves at the end of the 37 weeks, then we would eject them. I heard induction is crazy shitz so I did my research on how to go in labour naturally. Too bad it was Grammy's that time :)


February 13, 2012- Monday DAY 1


Kevin and I woke up so early. Both anxious. I was psyching myself that it will be easy breezy labour. I had breakfast and went to the hospital. I made a playlist the night before ( Tony Bennet's duets and Jason Mraz) to aid me through labour. I also made a cheat sheet on what to do. It felt like I was about to take the biggest exam of my life. No margin of error--- that was the goal.

breakfast of champions

When we got to the hospital, most of the pregnant women there were already in labour. I was the only calm one. Looking at their faces, I was like good grief.. must've hurt a lot. We checked in, luckily Kevin has a very good insurance coverage so I was able to get a private room. Healthcare in Canada is for free but the luxury of choosing rooms depends on your insurance as well.


Since I am having twins, the likelihood of an emergency c-section is expected as I was told. But I was driven to deliver them vaginally. To get the show going, I donned hospital gown and went through all the ordeal ( i.e. bp, weight, blah blah ) before I was hooked up with fetal monitors and whathaveyous. A long wait before they started the induction, wasted almost an entire day laying down and doing nothing. It was late in the afternoon when they finally gave me the first dosage.


The oxytocin didnt kick in till late in the evening. So I was facebooking and tweeting while induced. After a couple of hours, I'm not even close to 2 cm dilated! So at 6:30pm, the nurses decided to stop the oxytocin and  sent me to sleep.

February 14, 2012- Tuesday- V-DAY DAY 2


I woke up famished. They didn't give me anything the day before in case I would go into labour. So I asked the nurse for food. LIke a starving homeless person, I devoured the hospital food like I havent eaten in 48 years. Then doctor came in and told me that they will start the induction again, this time they would up the dosage which means stronger than normal contractions. I was pretty confident but it started to become very uncomfortable. I had a lot of things hooked up, then I started to get contractions. At first it was mild, but since its a "forced" labour, it was painful. Later in the afternoon, I couldn't take the pain and asked for pain reliever. They gave me morphine and it eased the pain instantaneously. But as we got through the night, the contractions became stronger which weakened the effectiveness of the pain killers. I HAVE NEVER FELT THAT KIND OF PAIN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. It felt like my hips and spinal bones were crushed inside. IT WAS EFFIN PAINFUL. All those breathing techniques I practiced beforehand flew out of the window. Breathing techniques, relaxation my foot!! So I told Kevin, its time to get epidural. I dont care what they say about going natural. I NEED epidural.


At close to 9pm, a Filipino nurse, very chatty, briefed me about epidural. I said I researched about it and would take the risk. (insert sarcasm) It's just a needle poked at my spinal area that could render me paralyzed, no big deal I said. I had to joke about it. No other way to deal. So Kevin sat in front of me and the doctor poked a needle which sent shivers down my spine! Not the tingling sensation-kinda shivers, its body-numbing shivers! After half an hour, I couldnt feel my lower extremities. As part of the ordeal, I had to be cathetered. Maaan, it feels so gross and very uncomfortable. Like cathether was not gross enough,  they have to attach a devise to pick up other baby's heartbeat through inter-vaginal heartbeat monitor. With all stuff attached to my anatomy and genitalia, i lost all my dignity. I couldnt care less anymore. I just want the babies to be safe and sound. I was too ambitious to think that they will come out on Valentines Day but after midnight, I was still 5 cm! And that's  In two days!!!!


February 15, Wednesday-- D DAY


It was almost 2 am when I vomited and ran a fever. I was so tired and exhausted. The nurse had to check the babies heartbeat every 30 minutes. My fever worsen and the babies' heartbeats been faster than usual. By 6:00 am, the doctors decided to do c-section. They said that the babies were in duress and they have to be delivered as soon as possible. I was so groggy and shivering when they made me sign the consent form and asked Kevin to put on scrubs. It felt like one of those episodes on HOUSE where doctors asked for crash cart, bed was pushed to the operating room. Inside the OR, everybody was so busy. I had another round of anaesthesia to numb my body for the operation. "Adele" was reverberating in the background. At 7:45 am, the entire surgical team was ready.. we're going to have our babies.


Kevin was beside me wearing surgical mask and scrubs. There was a big blanket in front of me, which made sense not to see your body under the knife. I was very much aware and conscious, I could even feel the tugging as they cut me open. By 8:23am, baby A was delivered, a minute after baby B followed suit.


When I heard them cry, I cried. It was more of relief and happiness. But at the back of my mind, all I could think of was, please please make them complete! As agreed by Kevin and I, the first baby would be named Emma and then Sophia.


The team did the Apgar scale with Kevin. I just closed my eyes and prayed that they're all right. It was only when someone shouted 9 and 10 that I felt relaxed. Then I knew that babies are healthy. Kevin brought Emma and Sophia to me and every aches and pains I went through evaporated into thin air. I fell love at first sight. It felt so surreal but finally Emma Luz and Sophia Betty are here. I am officially a mum. 


disclaimer: seeing emma and sophia, it was worth all the pain. but....... i will not do it again. lol.

two become four!

my doula

Baby stuff

As d-day is coming to a close, I have been shifting my attention  to items that I will be using when the babies are here. I had my eye on this Marc Jacobs bag from Nordstrom.com ( but with a different design) for my diaper bag but but it costs the same as a new ipod so I was second guessing if its really worth it.

 A good friend said just think its a "push" gift to yourself. So I have been dilly dallying on purchasing this bag, hoping I will find something cheaper. Just when I decided to get it, the design I want is no longer in stock. Marc Jacobs is not for me.

But just this afternoon, Kate Spade NY had a surprise sale and I got a bargain of a deal. 75% off baby!! I have a designer baby bag which costs me less than $150. wowza. I would have wanted a colorful one but this zebra print baby bag is just so uptown chic. here it is

I'm so excited.. though I will not be able to strut the bag in 3-4 months time, at least I didn't end up having Disney-imprinted bag.

Speaking of baby stuff, Beyonce's Blue Ivy rumor mill has been churning out outrageous news about the baby's expensive taste. There was even a poll on the radio about their 6 nannies. But then again, they are rolling in dough, who are we to judge?

As I googled baby "best" stuff to buy for babies ( coz i do research like that :)) I stumbled on expensive baby items. These are stuff that I would get if I have Beyonce's moolah. A "mum" can dream.

1. ORIGAMI STROLLER
 Watch the vid. nuff said.

2. Mamaroo bouncer

   This is really a combination of a bouncer and a swing. So rad.

3. Vetro Crib

   It was said Beyonce purchased this for her baby..

but, rumor mill has it that she got this crib instead Blue Ivy's crib.

4. Gucci baby carrier and diaper bag.
    One word. GUCCI.

   

 5. Bugaboo Donkey Duo

Source: cafemom.com via Wendy on Pinterest

Things I learned from being pregnant

At 36w+5d, I can say I am so lucky. Few more days, my babies will reach full-term-- something that I've been praying night and day. As I am almost done with this pregnancy, I will miss it. The mere fact that it's easy to take care of them when they are inside the belly :)


Pregnancy is one long journey one has to go through except if you go to the moon and back. For nine months, I've come to terms with my womanhood. echos ^_^. So here are some of my thoughts about my own pregnancy. 


1. There is only one thing you could never be prepared for in life -- having twins!
    True to the core. Ask any mother of twins and/or multiples, they were all shocked to see two heads on the ultrasound monitor. Despite the fact that Kevin told me her mom is a twin, I was least expecting it. But surprise surprise. Double blessings.


2.  Stretch marks are genetics.
     No amount of Palmer's butter will prevent one from having stretch marks b/coz it is largely determined by genetic factors. Some are just blessed to have very beautiful bellies, others like me can just suck it up. haha. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I bought that tummy butter even before any "noticeable" bump appeared. But then again, the fine print of these butters/lotions/oils say that it will "help" in the appearance of stretch marks. It didn't really promise "disappearance". Oh well, I'm not Miranda Kerr or Giselle Bundchen. My future career does not depend on how my belly look like after birth ( sweet lemoning?! ).


3. Pillows are (pregnant) woman's bestfriend.
    I am not discounting diamonds and Tiffany's but maaaan, life is so much easier with a lot of pillows while pregnant. I can barely see my husband in bed because I have to build by "nest" before I lay down to sleep. 


4. Water is my new Coke.
    Pre-pregnancy, I drank Coke like its water. I'm so addicted to it that it was one of my main concerns ( along with coffee) when I got pregnant. Miracles do happen. Now, I drink almost a gallon a day of what used to be a tasteless liquid. Water is my saving grace, it keeps contractions at bay. Although I have to go to the toilet almost 6 times after midnight. 


5. Pregnancy brain exists.
    Not for everyone, but I have it. Well, I know I am forgetful and clumsy but it just soared astronomically since my second trimester. This caused a lot of rift with husband especially at home. Recently, I made coffee at work without water. WTF right? All to blame to the increased progesterone floating around my body or may be because my brain is so busy telling me to pee that it stops telling other things. This is so ironic since I work in a brain injury association, I feel like I have temporary brain injury too.


6. Emotions are hormonal.
    If your heart is somewhere else before pregnancy, this time you will wear it in your sleeve all the time. I've always said before: emotions are irrational and we should not believe it. Oh boy, during pregnancy it is hormonal! I cried for no apparent reasons. I wasnt even watching the Notebook! As if bigger belly and favorite pants that no longer fit weren't enough, I had uncontrollable water works. I reacted to everything and anything, damn raging pregnancy hormones.


7. Fatigue is my middle name.
    Thank God I didn't have nasty nausea and morning sickness in my first trimester. I was lucky not to have any cravings too. I thought geez, this pregnancy is amazing, I manage to skip those things. But then fatigue set in. I am always tired. Tired of even being tired. I've always made a list of things to do but lately, I haven't done anything. I feel so exhausted even if I am not doing anything. Its as if I've run a marathon kinda tired. 


8. Eat what you want, in moderation.
    Hear this. People will say the sweetest and dumbest things when you are pregnant. But listen to your guts, every pregnancy is different. I've been told so many times of things to eat and whatnots but it boils down to what you want. The key is moderation.


Disclaimer: I have a lot more things to say but obvs pregnancy brain kicked in, so these are just the things I remember. As of this writing, OB clinic phoned me and asking my whereabouts because surprise surprise, I forgot my fetal assessment appointment!